| you know what's |
[09 Sep 2007|09:26am] |
a strong barometer of my feelings towards an actor or public figure? Whether they like him generally and laugh at Conan O'Brien's jokes.
Today when I watched a tivo'd show, Clive Owen was cracking up - like a big ol' smile, which is something we don't often see from him - and therefore, I love Clive Owen (more).
The same was true of Tim Gunn whom I adore and who one wouldn't necessarily think would dig Conan O'B.
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| Tomorow I go back to work |
[03 Sep 2007|09:59am] |
like lots of others people - most people in fact including kids if you think of school as their work. The difference is I'm going back after spending 15 weeks with my new daughter.
I can't believe how sad I am. It's not like I won't see her every single day. Yet it feels like the end of something. I can't be literally, actually close to her to protect her and make sure she's thriving and at least content anymore. I'm not ready to let go. I'm scared.
I thought somehow those sentimental mommy cliches wouldn't apply to me. Oh how was I wrong. All of them apply. I'm a card carrying brooklyn stroller wielding mafia mom who wants to yell at fast drivers, who gives dirty looks at moms who are yelling at their kids, who wears loose t-shirts, ponytails and dirty jeans and I never ever want to have to tolerate all that silly b.s. at work that wastes time and depletes me of energy best spent taking care of this sweet good natured darling kid.
Yeah, I'm trying to be rational - "I can do both!" "I'll be happier if I'm intellectually (ha ha) engaged!" or the simple truth, "We need the money."
This will pass - the murky regret and sadness always does - but man, what I've learned through the complete, wonderful and unrelenting upheaval since May 22.
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| the tightening |
[02 Sep 2007|06:46pm] |
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It starts dead center and move up to just below where I imagine my heart is. It's so agonizing, so painful that I can barely write about it and thus, acknowledge it's strength and even worse, origin.
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| inspired |
[02 Sep 2007|11:04am] |
I found a blog from an acquaintance I knew years ago. I met him on one of the most important days of my life. He was relatively meaningless but was present nonetheless.
Our paths have crossed because he lives not 5 blocks from me. And his circumstance is suprisingly similar.
His entries are lovely and thoughtful. Could I use this form to improve my vision, analysis, point of view?
Might as well try.
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| Bored... |
[14 Nov 2006|08:45am] |
my job is so dull and I'm getting cranky too. I just feel like there's this same-ness or re-tread and little changes or evolves towards smarter and better...
It's inevitable I guess but my patience is wearing thin.
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| office workers |
[07 Nov 2006|10:50am] |
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I wish I could find the humor a la office space but instead, EVERYONE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Driving characteristics:
1. Terrible writing skills and I mean, TERRIBLE.
2. Passive Agression - do they have a soul or no ability to cope and deal. Why are they afraid to engage when challenged? Do they not have the answer or the interpersonal skills to respond?
3. Needing/Deriving far too much social sustenance from work people/experiences. GET A LIFE, go home - this is not the video arcade and I am NOT your friend.
4. Forced Celebration - It's not authentic, therefore it's work and not a morale boosting experience. Don't waste my time. Buy me a cupcake and call it a day.
5. People who take it SO seriously. We're selling sh*t - that's it. You're a big weiner who needs validation from their work when you should give it a long hard think about what it is we ACTUALLY do here.
6. Thinking they're getting one over. I get it and I know what you're doing so stop pretending or 'positioning' it. It's insulting.
I want some freakin' authenticity and I am so tired of listening to everyone's self deluding bull shit. How can people exist with such an incredible lack of insight? Isn't that a sad existence?
I know I'm not perfect and I am SURE I'm a pain in the ass but god, these people have become so tedious. I'm just plain sick of 'em and having no respite from their lame-ness.
There's one guy who is cool. I hope he doesn't leave...
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| congratulations but now, it's over |
[02 Oct 2006|10:18am] |
Two people in my office got married. And it's been non stop wedding talk FOR MONTHS. One of them is a guy and he was more neurotic than the worst bridezilla. It wasn't the wedding, it was all about his FEELINGS. So annoying. Not to mention his fiancee sounded so bloody awful and tacky.
But now they're back and they're reveling in their wonderfulness and how special, delightful and exicted their wonderful perfect fabulous day was.
Okay, but now, enough. That's it. No more. We've shared this journey with them FOR MONTHS. Almost a year in one case and I'm f8cking OVER IT.
It's so narcissistic! I mean, people get married ALL THE TIME and yes, I'm sure it was very special and deeply meaningful and moving but I can't fake kvelling any more. I don't care about these people like that so I don't care about the wonderful details and specialness of their big day.
When I got married, I kept it under wraps because frankly, people grow weary and assume you're slacking off and no one truly gives a shit unless they're a weirdo.
This is the fantasy conversation...
"Okay, we've tolerated your self indulgence for months and months now. Others have had to make up for your workload and nod lovingly when you share the details about your wedding, tried on dresses you ordered in your office and asked for advice, looked at look books from SOHO boutiques and heard about how you were not going to be a typical bride/groom.
But now, it's over. We're done. It's time to join us back in this thing we call reality after your six month flight of fancy and yes, you should absolutely bask in that warm glow and yes, you did deserve a wonderful, special, unique experience that entitled you to months of self-obsession, but we, your work colleagues, are no longer obligated to indulge you ANY FREAKIN MORE. So now please gradually begin to pull your weight and stop asking for exceptional treatment. Okay? Your narcissism, if it persists, will breed deep resentment."
Ha ha ha!!!! Evil Bluehawaiian!!!
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| this guy |
[25 Sep 2006|03:31pm] |
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who is a v. senior manager in my office is such a severe f*ckwad. I just can't stomach him. He's smug, self important, deeply insecure, a liar and an awful dresser. He looks like a car salesman - a used one at that - and I just can't get past my complete, unwavering disgust.
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| v-day is silly! |
[14 Feb 2006|09:51am] |
It is! I mean, there's so much pressure and lots of people feel crappy and as much as I like the color red, it feels insincere or something.
Anyway, I've been cynical since I was a teenager when some organization handed out carnations bought "especially for you" by friends/boyfriends, etc. The cheerleaders always had TONS and TONS and it did make me feel lame even though I had a few flowers of my own and arguably, a hot boyfriend. (One of the cheerleaders said he was "too cute for me" and wore his soccer jersey to school one day - to prove her point - , which, naturally, angered and humiliated me to no end.) The stings gone though I still hate that that woman could be so effective.
It's interesting that I'm still trapped in some adolescent twilight zone where I'm insecure and misunderstood. Not a novel idea certainly but kind of a drag a hundred years later. Which brings me to my diet. I've lost weight. Yay. That's the good news. BUT, I'm troubled because:
a) I can't lose weight fast enough (which is unhealthy - it needs to be slow and sure)
b) I'm afraid of being thin! I don't want any additional attention. It doesn't fit with how I view myself and I'm afraid of failure and returning to my previous weight and being mad and disappointed.
So there - it's out. It's pretty funny actually! Oh jeeeeeeez.
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| so rude |
[19 Oct 2005|02:30pm] |
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The guy next door is really inconsiderate. He listens to his music so loud and it's the same thing OVER AND OVER. He's such a prick.
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| this guy |
[10 Oct 2005|03:00pm] |
is so sour - he's so laissez faire/too cool for school and just plain cold. What's his damage? He's a brat, self important and is rather rude to those around him. he's also judgmental and dismissive. Is it that he's 26? Or just a jerk?
who cares.
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| Big Miss Toxic |
[06 Oct 2005|01:39pm] |
You are a toxic person and corrupt those you pull into your web of despair and chaos. You're not clever or smart and are in fact, quite transparent. Look inside of you and deal. Don't taint others!
Oh, and BE QUIET. You're annoying.
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| Shared space |
[06 Oct 2005|12:49pm] |
The walls are paper thin here so you can hear everything. It's not open plan but close.
The guy next to me is a raging b*tch. Just mean and a brat! He listens to his music loud and sounds so self-important. He also reported a conversation I had to another person and I caught him. Weird.
This other guy works with a woman with a very gruff, loud voice and when she's in his office, it's annoying. She's loud and grating. She looks cute and demure. Her voice doesn't match how she looks. And it's always some life or death situation about FAST FOOD like, the new chipotle sauce on a chicken sandwich.
I need to mellow out.
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| spellingq |
[04 Oct 2005|04:56pm] |
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someone just sent out an email with "champagne" spelled "champaign" as in Champaign, IL. Funny...
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| toxic weirdo |
[04 Oct 2005|10:42am] |
I work with this person who is TOXIC. She just oozes it.
First, she's extremely hard to look at it - this is so mean but - she's got terrible ruddy skin and lacks a strong chin.
Second, she reveals too much and is really into astrology. The astrology part is not the problem but she really believes it's going to reveal how well we get along and the truth is I don't get along with any crazy people because they scare me. I feel like it's contagious and their 'crazy' will rub off on me or corrupt me and make me miserable.
Third, she stirs the pot and makes trouble. "Jokes" are about getting a reaction from you to gauge who you are/what kind of person you are. So manipulative and controlling and PSYCHO. She'll also say that someone else is disappointed in me or thinks I'm a jerk bc I don't say hello. I don't say hello because I'M SHY and reserved and feel vulnerable at MY NEW JOB. It's not attitude. That's her erroneous conclusion but by god, she's going to TEACH you to be nice to 'her people.'
Fourth, she is uncouth, bossy, demanding, dramatic and even worse, dumb.
I think she realized she pushed me too far when I started to cry. Yes, Martha Stewart would kill me for admitting I cried at work but it was too much. I was vulnerable and she pushed the wrong button. Clearly, that's her (at least) subconscious intent.
The signs are all there. She's really unhealthy at best or really unwell psychologically at worst, which I'm inclined to conclude.
She's just so aggressive and dreadful and I recoil and have a nervous chest tightening flight instinct when I'm near her.
I am having such a strong reaction which is a problem unto itself but she's TOXIC and it triggers similar fears as the looney I just worked with and escaped (she was in a position of power - this woman isn't but she's still clearly has queen bee syndrome and NEEDS to try and control things because something in her life forced her to relinquish control so... armchair psychology but just an initial reaction.
People are SO OUTWARDLY nuts in NYC. I forgot. I guess elsewhere people are trained to hide it for survival's sake but here, no it's right out there. A guy on the subway was singing buddhist hymns or prayers on the subway. He looked normal but it was WEIRD.
Anyway. Why do I feel so vulnerable to these freaks? I can easily avoid them craftily.... hmmmmmm.
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| cuban |
[27 Sep 2005|03:56pm] |
Today, I ventured out because I have NOTHING to do but small stressful things that I will put off until I'm motivated and actually feeling that pumping pulse to GET IT DONE. I went to Sophie's and had pollo picante with black beans and rice. I love black beans and rice and chicken!
It was juicy and delicious and I tried my hardest not to eat too much rice but damn, it was tasty. I'd like to go to Cuba but would it be a huge disappointment. It seems somewhat frozen in time and it's so close to the US.
On an entirely separate note, someone called 'consumer produced content' aka blogs etc. 'immedia' which I thought was quite inventive.
I'm intrigued by the idea of brands creating content, specifically entertainment content. Puma just produced a film about the race culture of NYC bike messengers. Andy Spade produced a short film about newspaper delivery boys - there are kid who still have their very own paper routes. Smart and interesting ideas that are created, not simply snapped up and labelled.
Today, I've decided that I have no ideas because I'm a creature of habit and if I get off my daily map I might see/hear things that inspire me or at least make me think differently. Even in my new habitat, I'm looking for routine - restaurants that I can go to regularly, paths to/from the subway, morning rituals - in my case, my 40 minute walks. I should be savoring the newness but instead, I'm trying to artificially create familiarity which leads to boredom inevitably. What's up with that?
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| nyc |
[13 Sep 2005|10:27pm] |
I made it here and I was shocked by how little I felt about leaving Boston. I didn't even get a lump in my throat. It felt like an extended vacation or assignment - a bad dream certainly - but I never felt the right rhythm there. I come into NYC and I know this is where I belong. I'm not from here - yes, that's true but I've made it my own.
I went to the same nail salon I've been to a bunch of times. I know where to get my roots colored and a decent hair cut. I know where the tailor is who'll shorten my too long jeans. I'm relieved and I feel so glad to be home. What the HELL was I thinking? I took so much for granted but alas, it's been a great life lesson.
The Boston accent just makes me feel ill. I'm so over that self-righteous stiff upper lip yankee passive agressive BS. Get some feelings and PASSION people! Beyond your stupid baseball team. So boring...
And in a perfectly fateful moment, my last Saturday dinner with the cool chicks I hang out with I bumped into an ex-friend's current girlfriend - she is such a smug, condescending weirdo yuckster and I thought, "Oh yes, it's time to go RIGHT NOW."
Scared about my first day at the new job and praying it doesn't suck Please PLEASE let it not suck!
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| Racism |
[08 Sep 2005|04:53pm] |
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Is horrible to me. It cuts me to my core.
I don't understand how can people be so comfortable being so hurtful and exclusionary? That's what is so arresting to me about my reaction to Katrina and the victims who have nowhere to go, no privacy, no personal possessions, no money, no resources, are displaced, in some cases no clean water and proper bathroom facilities. It's not fair. These people are poor and somehow do people think they deserve to suffer because they are poor and don't have contingency resources (I guess, loads of cash and a 4WD vehicle at the ready) when the most horrific natural disaster has befallen them?
I was so horrified by Barbara Bush's comment that the Houston Astrodome was 'good enough' because the people who ended up there are poor and they should consider that situation adequate considering [that they are poor] - of course, I'm paraphrasing but the arrogance, the self righteouness, the entitlement - it's sickening to me. It's inconceivable. She believes that because she was born into weath, she is better than the poor and they, because they are poor, are lucky to get ANYTHING for free?
And there's this smug, self congratulatory tone - aren't we GOOD, SUPERIOR people to help these poor af-am people? We're so generous and caring! No, you're not. You're selfish and cruel and that self aggrandizing grin is undeserved. Maybe I'm a cynic and misunderstand Mrs. Bush but I don't think so. She and Dick Cheney and her stupid half wit son are selfish and self serving always. And they hide behind these manipulative images of George W. kissing the foreheads of young af-am women breaking down with grief and fear.
I don't know. Sure, I want to be rich because it means freedom to do what I want and not be tied to a job and the chaos and emotional toll working with a bunch of strangers takes but I sit in a fancy building with great bathrooms and my own phone, a computer I can take home, all the paper I could ever need, health insurance, life insurance, subsizidized transportation, retirement money, internet access and wonderful air conditioning and heat, a view of the best city on earth and even a door I can shut when I need to take a break... And I'm paid well to think, not to toil in back breaking heat for a substandard wage and dehumanizing treatment by an ignorant boss.
The south and the images I see make me so disappointed and embittered and I feel guilty in a strange way. Why am I any more deserving than they?
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| and by they way... |
[07 Sep 2005|05:41pm] |
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I am moving to NYC and got a nice raise at a better agency. A. got his dream job in the city p'g office of M'ttan
Also, the biggest client at that horrible agency walked out the door THE DAY after my last day - yeah, the one that consitutes abour 40% of their billings and the one they have been talking about ad nauseum because they haven't done anything good or smart in the last 4-5 years. And the JERKS that worked on that business are the very same who treated me like crap! THE KHARMIC WHEEL TURNS.
And the account I worked on, they walked out the door too just two weeks ago too... So now that god-forsaken place is down 405 MILLION dollars in billing.
I always wanted to believe in Kharma and now I do.
Hurrah!
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bluehawaiian's journal
